These past few weeks my depression consumed me, weighing me down until I crawled instead of walked. I struggled to get through my last week at KinderCare and still face heavy bouts of anxiety leaking into this week. The past two days felt aimless, and the heat has only made me wearier.

Tonight it rains. I am grateful that this summer is filled with late rain storms; it is almost nostalgic.

As anxiety and doom overwhelmed me, I chose to take a walk in the cool night air. I wanted to burn off the tension and take back control. I received more than what I asked for. I received a sense of magic in a time of gloom. Instead of the rain signaling dreary thoughts, it brought about the significance of wonder I have been too exhausted to find.

I took random turns down streets, keeping track of which direction led home. At one point, I found myself walking down an unlit street. I felt palpitations in my chest as my eyes adjusted to the dark. A lone woman walking down an unknown street in the dark of night is terrifying. The rolling thunder and flashes in the distance added to the feeling of impending doom. However, as I continued my pace and noticed the quaint cottage houses that lined the street, I heard church bells. I am not religious, nor was I aware that a small church was nestled in the middle of this neighborhood. The bells signaled the hour but also signaled welcoming and peace. My chest relaxed, and I embraced the electrified air.

Fat drops of rain fell here and there. They were not a sprinkle but a warning: something big was coming. The storm was arriving faster than I had anticipated. I hurried my step, but only slightly. I wanted to squeeze out everything this night offered.

I arrived home, sad that my walk was cut short but knowing it was time. The minute I had the door closed and all the windows open (no a/c), a torrential downpour ensued. I missed it by seconds.

Currently, I sit in the dim light, listening to the rolling thunder and pounding rain. I write down this experience because, while simple, it is packed with meaning. Packed with timing. Packed with sounds. Packed with magic.

Also, I finally did something about the bracelets I make. Check it out:

It is absolutely insane when things fall into place out of nowhere.

I never ever thought I would enjoy working with two-year-olds, but I am happier in early childhood education than I’ve ever been anywhere else. So, how did I get here?

I did not apply for this job and never would have. A recruiter reached out to me and offered me an interview after a brief phone conversation in which I detailed my lack of experience. At the time, I was looking for a new job and figured I might as well accept this offer. I expected to flunk the interview and never hear back; honestly, I would have been okay with that. But I didn’t. They offered me a job on the spot, and I accepted because what else was I doing?

In the past two jobs involving schools, I was miserable. I did not enjoy teaching only because I have zero classroom management skills. I am fantastic at creating connections with children but not so good at keeping them under control. At the end of 2021, I started looking into Master’s programs in School Counseling. I decided I liked working with kids but not teaching.

Then this happened: I actually liked working with two-year-olds. Honestly, if this had happened in any other way, it would not have worked out. When I was training and working in different rooms, I already had a sweet spot for the “Twos” classroom but felt anxious everywhere else. Whether it was younger kids or older ones, I did not feel as comfortable as I did with the Twos. This is funny because everyone else loathes the Twos classroom. They think I am insane for wanting to work with these hellions.

And maybe they’re right.

Sure some parts are incredibly frustrating. They are t w o. The most irritating part about the Twos classroom is a tie between (1) these kids have no concept of the future and (2) they get upset when I don’t let them seriously injure themselves.

(1) If a child wants something, whether an object or an activity, they will not understand when I say, “yes, but later.” I will even give them a timeline: when I’m done with x, we can do y. They don’t even acknowledge my response and just say again, “I want x.” Then it becomes an endless, droning loop until we do whatever it is. “I want x, I want x, I want x, etc.” Not only that, but they struggle with future rewards. If we say, “clean up for a piece of candy,” and start giving kids that pick up the toys candy, the kids that didn’t help will throw full tantrums screaming that they want candy. We will even say, “okay, then clean up x.” Their response: “I WANT CANDY!” I try to be patient with them because they legitimately do not comprehend the chain of events; however, I also wish they realized that screaming in my face actually makes me want to give them what they want less.

(2) One of my favorite things is being a villain. By being a villain, I mean saving their lives but ruining their fun. Priorities, you know. We have many climbers in our room, and when I pull one off of something before they fall, I am met with screams of agony and abuse. I am the absolute worst.

While, of course, this job can be painfully frustrating, it is also rewarding. I love making connections with these kids and seeing their faces light up when I walk into the room. Not only do I love coming to work, but I’m also very good at it. I impressed my director in two months in addition to the district manager.

It took me 29 years, but I finally found what I’m good at.

The excitement I feel for writing blog posts is real, the inspiration however, is not.

I tell people I have had writer’s block for about ten years because every time I sit down to write I come up empty paged. Not only is my attention span a figment of my imagination, but “out of sight, out of mind” is an incredibly real phenomenon. When I don’t have my blog pulled up, I don’t think about it. Funny thing is, if I do have it pulled up, that tab on Google Chrome a g g r e s s i v e l y stares at me until it stresses me out and I have no choice but to click the tiny x of disappointment.

Since I have moved to the mountains, I have been trying to move forward with my life goals. My main focuses are (1) exercising more and (2) writing more. However, every time I make a few strides forward, life rocket launches me back to square one. Whether it be unexpected surgery, sickness, finances, or getting stuck in the middle of the canyon in the snow, progress halts.

You would think with all these life events I would have many things to write about. Well, you’d be wrong. I have so much support in my life from family and friends to pursue my writing, but a blank page is intimidating. It is an unforgiving void that empties my mind of all words. I become mute.

However, I have discovered that when I take care of my physical and mental well-being, that block moves slightly to the right. The past two times I started new jobs and new routines (read: exercise), writing has become a little easier.

So, here I am, trying to get it together. I could say the typical, “New year, new me!” but that isn’t true. It has nothing to do with the new year but rather timing and effort. I am still me, and I will still struggle to understand why the blank page looks so angry.

I have learned a lot about myself since I moved back to Colorado. I still have a lot of work to do, and there will be ups and downs, but I look forward to the journey.

Wind rustles the leaves on the trees, swelling and falling like a great orchestral piece. The dog sniffs around the edge of the yard, looking for frogs, lizards, or any other creature she can stuff in her mouth. The sky is overcast; there will likely be rain later on in the evening. The air is thick with humidity, but the temperature is cooler today. It isn’t as suffocating as usual. It is a timid day, a relaxing day, but that means it’s also a day of boredom. There is a stillness in the air; everything is comfortable. The people here in this upscale 55+ community are safe in their homes, enjoying retirement. Sometimes there will be children outside playing on bikes, but it’s a rare occurance. The road is usually hazard free as people wave from their vehicles passing by. The sun peaks out every now and then, inflaming the sunburn on my shoulders. The dog continues to wander around aimlessly, almost as bored as I am.

Yet isn’t boredom a good thing? A privileged thing? Having nothing to do, nowhere to go, no one to provide for. In the moment it is dreary, but in the grand scheme of things, having the option to be bored is a relaxing thought. I tap away on my keyboard as the wind reaches crescendos. It’s getting ready for something.

The leaves on the trees remind me of the star leaves from The Land Before Time that Littlefoot is obsessed with. They bring me a smile as the weak ones flutter to the ground. Everyone’s lawns and yards are perfect here. The HOA must really be on top of things because everyone’s grass and other foliage is manicured to a T. It’s beautiful. All the little pastel houses on their beach theme named roads. It’s quiet. It’s quaint.

I’m here in South Carolina to visit my parents. Well, more specifically, my dad. He had hip replacement surgery, but my mom needed to go to Illinois and Wisconsin for work, so she asked me to come down and help out for a little bit. I got here June 11th and I’ll be staying until the 30th (possibly later as my mom doesn’t get back until July 4th, but hopefully my dad will be fine by the 30th). So far everything has been wonderful. We’ve been to the beach, the pool, the Alligator Adventure, etc. I look forward to my trip to Colorado (where I’m headed when I leave here), but I’m enjoying this pleasant vacation while it lasts. No work. No worries.

I have brought the cats, but will unfortunately be leaving them behind when I go to Colorado. My grandparents weren’t super thrilled to watch after them for a month, so I brought them with me. My mom is beyond excited to have them, so it all worked out for the best. They’re still adjusting, but spending more time downstairs with the dog. The dog has tried to play with Diamond and barked at Mookie for drinking her water, so they aren’t on the best of terms. However, other than that, everyone is getting along well.

It all feels like the start to something grander. It was becoming dismal back home in New Jersey. I was stuck at Dominos and quite miserable as well. I’m ecstatic my mom asked me to come down here. I needed the break. Plus I’ll be working a little bit when I’m in Colorado, so this feels like the vacation I needed. Everything is not going to plan and that’s perfect.

I’ve decided to finally launch my blog and push towards my writing goals (finally). I’m still uneasy and nervous, but I think now is the time. My goal is to never return to Dominos when I leave Colorado. I hope to apply for jobs and have interviews set up for when I get back. It’s time to use my time wisely. Or something like that.

Stay tuned….

Customers will always test your patience in the service industry–it just comes with the territory. What surprises me is when they test my creativity. Pop quiz, how would you describe a bread bowl? A cookie brownie? A pineapple pizza? Let’s use the bread bowl one, my personal favorite.

“Would you like your pasta in a bread bowl or a dish?”
“What’s a bread bowl?”

Pause. How do I describe a bread bowl without using the words “bread” or “bowl” while not making the customer feel like I think they’re stupid? An interesting challenge.

“Well, we take the small dough that we use for pizzas and mold it into a bowl.” Darn, used the word “bowl.” Fail.
“Oh, that sounds good; I’ll have that!”

Okay, so, how does that explanation make more sense than “bread bowl?” It’s conversations like this that make me question the phrase, “There is no such thing as a stupid question.” I don’t want to be mean, and I appreciate the opportunities to flex my creative muscles, but are you testing me? Is that it? The ultimate test of patience. Explain to me something that is what the name suggests.

I don’t think they are stupid. Maybe they’re just having an off day. Or perhaps they haven’t had experience with bread bowl pasta before (they’ve been missing out). At least they give me a story to tell.

This brings me to what this blog will be about. I will post little snippets from my life that I find entertaining, and I hope you do too. Being a delivery driver means I meet an array of interesting people that give me loads of stories to tell. Between my crazy cats and the crazy customers (yay, alliteration), I should be able to bring you quality content that you’ll enjoy. Feel free to comment and ask questions (I promise I won’t judge them too much) and sit back, relax, get that cup of tea, and take a peek into the world of the crazy cat lady.