The month of September was chaotic at best, overwhelming at worst. Yes, I managed to finish my serialized fiction project (or at least the rough draft), but I spent the first week on a road trip from Colorado to New Jersey to visit my grandparents, and the second half of the month moving. The road trip to New Jersey was an emotionally taxing trip for many reasons. Then, the second I got back, I moved to an apartment about 45 minutes from my old place. This meant that for almost every day for two weeks straight, I was going back and forth while also going to work, which was about 30 minutes from the old place and 45 minutes from the new. Just… a lot.

I’ve struggled to slow down after that (or before that — since birth, if we’re keeping track). My lease ended at the end of September, so thankfully, the cleaning/moving-out process is finished. But I still have so much to do in the new apartment. I am a fast-paced person, motivated by an internal sense of constant urgency. This year, I’ve been working on s l o w i n g down, enjoying things, properly processing things, etc. I have not been the most successful. This move has broken my body, and I am not good at sitting still to mend it.

All that being said, I’ve been focusing this weekend on writing and learning Tarot. Partially to distract myself from more cleaning/moving furniture/hanging heavy rods on the walls, but also to get back on track. I want to remember my two most significant goals of writing and self-discovery.

I wrote half a blog post detailing the trip in September, but it didn’t focus on the essential parts; I’m not ready to process those. I meant to take a zillion pictures because I’m so bad at capturing events. I mean, yes, it is great—I’m living in the moment instead of focusing on capturing it —but that leaves me with little to look back on. Of course, once again, I did not succeed beyond some surface-level events photographed on the drive there. To be fair, I was insanely exhausted after the fact and never quite caught up on sleep for the entirety of the trip. Additionally, most of the things that happened while I was in New Jersey were emotionally taxing and things I don’t need or want to commit to the internet forever.

All the same, it was important, and I do want to share the moments I captured. The moments that were fulfilling rather than draining. Overall, I am grateful I took the trip and that, at some point, I will find it in myself to finish that post.

Anyway, now that I’ve essentially said a lot of vague words about nothing, back to my sense of urgency. It’s why my blog posts are short, and why I struggle with long-form fiction. It is why my project was rushed and, at best, cardboard. It is why I lose people in my life because I rush into conflict. I’m not good at waiting. I just want things done and over with. I even move fast, focusing on point A to B. This weekend, on top of focusing on writing, I’m focusing on s l o w i n g down. I’m not fast pacing around my apartment, but walking slowly and intentionally. I’m breathing through stress. I’m not responding immediately to triggering situations. I’m allowing my mind and body to heal.

For the record, I do have another story idea in the works that I’m excited for. As I think about it, it is probably another way to tame my inner demons. The story of the goddess of chaos was partially written through my bipolar depressive episode as a way to work through it. This new story will be another way to work through my mental health issues, I suppose. It is one of those situations where a literature professor would find symbols and themes, and the author is just like, “Oh, yeah, totally intentional.” That’s the thing, I don’t see the symbols I unintentionally include as I write until I go back to edit with a critical eye, and then they’re clear as day.

Another goal I’m working on this weekend is learning Tarot. I didn’t believe in that kind of thing for the longest time, but I recently started learning more about it and understanding that it isn’t about fortune-telling. I’m a highly empathetic and intuitive person, and have been struggling with where to direct that energy instead of feeling such intense emotions all the time. When I learned that Tarot was more about tapping into energies and allowing the cards to provide understanding rather than to tell the future, I figured, what do I have to lose? Either way, it is fun to learn, even if it is just a party trick.

My first reading today was extremely poetic and spiritual. It also helped me slow down to be attuned to my inner self. I know a few readers’ eyes just glazed over as they stopped reading, but this blog is about being open and honest. I hope to continue along this journey to find a sense of spirituality. I’m not religious, but I do believe there may be something out in the universe, and this is helping me channel it personally.

At some point, I will write a blog post about Tarot as I continue learning and understanding. I look forward to it!

This is yet another rushed blog entry, but I hope to delve into everything mentioned more thoroughly on another day. At this point, I just wanted to share some thoughts. Thank you for continuing with me on my writing journey as I also discover myself in the process. I hope you all are having a wonderful October!